I've Never
by Cellar Door 26
Summary: The Atlantis crew gets ahold of some intoxicating beverage and decide to have fun with it. McWeir, Sheyla, and a teeny bit o' slash.


A.N. I wrote this with my friend after an evening of brainstorming. It's considered humor, well, in our minds at least. If for some reason you hate it, please flame us! We mock it happily.

Once upon a time, there was some alcohol. Technically, it wasn't alcohol, because it was from the mainland. But it was as intoxicating as any 38 proof beverage. The drink in question was, at the moment, being shipped across the big blue in a puddle jumper. Sheppard and Teyla, as they cruised home, discussed the potential merits of this beverage.

"I have an idea," said Sheppard, "but it'll make me sound childish."

"I do not mind," Teyla urged on.

"Ok," he sounded unsure of himself, "Well, since we did just survive a Wraith attack and we have bottles of alcohol… maybe we should unwind."

She looked at him strangely, "how?"

Sheppard shifted the 'jumper into a down angle as they approached the city. "There's this game," he explained. "It's called 'I Never'. You start by saying 'I've never' and finish with a thing you have or haven't done. Then everyone who's done it has to drink."

Teyla gave him a quizzical expression. "It's fun," he said as he landed the ship.

They walked out carrying the supplies with a few extra hands. The food was taken to the mess hall while the beverage was taken by Major Sheppard. Somehow, he had made Teyla give in and she was supposed to round up people for the game. Lieutenant Ford was the first and he happily obliged to it, he had nothing better to do. Beckett agreed as well, happy to get out of paperwork. Weir needed a bit more convincing but when she heard they were going to ask Rodney next, she put down her papers and went with them. Rodney needed the most convincing.

"You all know how much I love to drink but protecting Atlantis is a bit more important,"

"But Atlantis is safe, Dr. McKay," Teyla pointed out.

"Please Rodney, it'll be more fun if you come," Weir asked. McKay seemed to weigh his options, but he had already decided to go.

After a bit, Rodney sighed theatrically and consented.

They met in the conference room. Sheppard sat like the king of conference, bottles full of crystalline liquid sparkling with tiny blue bubbles sitting in front of him. A shining row of filled shot glasses were assembled before the bottles.

Everyone sat down, Rodney trying to surreptitiously rush to sit by Elizabeth. He just made it. Next to Rodney sat Carson, and next to him was Aiden. Teyla sat between John and Ford.

"Everyone knows how to play this, right?" John asked, and was answered by a chorus of yeses. "Great. Who wants to go first?"

"I will," Ford volunteered. "I've never…" he stopped to think, grinning, "worn pink."

Teyla, Elizabeth, and, to the surprise of most, Carson, reached for a shot. John smirked at Carson. "You've worn pink?"

"Yeah, so? It was for a picture. My mother made me," Carson answered, sounding all of ten years old, and knocked back the shot.

"Let's continue clockwise," Sheppard said. When he saw them putting back the shot glasses, he told them to keep the glasses and he'd refill them when it was time. He then nodded towards Teyla as a sign to go.

"I have never defied an order given to me," she spoke cautiously.

John was the only one who drank.

He looked around the room. "Guess it's my turn, eh?" he asked rhetorically. "I've never danced the hokey-pokey," grudgingly everyone except Teyla either filled up their shot or took a first one (a.k.a. Ford).

"What is the hokey-pokey?" Teyla asked, perplexed.

"It's what it's all about," John said, unable to resist.

"What?" Teyla asked, even more confused by now.

"We'll show you later," John replied, and winked.

The effect of the drink had the tendency of sneaking up on a person. It was strong, but for the first few shots you felt nothing. But by the third, you were well and truly drunk. Case in point: Rodney and Carson were demonstrating a certain dance for Teyla, turning in clumsy circles and waving their hands in the air. And, of course, singing the appropriate song.

"So you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!"

They fell back into their chairs, laughing too hard to stand anymore. Teyla stared at them quizzically.

"So that is the hokey pokey," she said. "It looks… interesting."

It was Rodney's turn. He was tired of how innocent the 'I've never,'s were, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "I've never kissed a girl." all the men made a show of refilling their glasses and Elizabeth slowly reached for the bottle, unsure of who would call her on it. Rodney was the first to see her gulp it down and nearly spit out his drink.

"Wha, what?" he spluttered, bringing unwanted attention to her. She blushed a deep pink, more from Rodney's incredulous gaze than anything. Sheppard looked at the two of them; Rodney staring at her as if he'd never seen her before and Weir looking like she wanted to be anywhere but there.

"It was college," she said defensively, looking up to meet Rodney's eyes, silently begging for him to _leave it alone. _He received the message loud and clear, but he wouldn't let it stop him.

"And?" he asked sounding slightly, ok, more then slightly, jealous.

"And I was really drunk, ok?" it was easier getting information out of the Wraith. Sensing Elizabeth was terribly uncomfortable continuing this, Carson kept the game going.

"I've never been in love," Carson spoke. Sheppard looked directly at Teyla as he took a drink. It quite unnerved her. They rest all downed a shot and by now were very loosened up. Ford was spinning around in his chair.

"My turn?" he asked, but before anyone could speak he said, "I've never kissed a dude."

All the women drank, as expected, but the crew boggled as Carson muttered, "oh, crap," under his breath, filled his glass and gulped it down.

A few questions were clamoring to be asked, but everyone bit their tongues for the sake of propriety. At least, for the sake of whatever propriety that hadn't been washed away by the drink.

"Y'know," Sheppard slurred, tilting the bottle back and forth in his hand and staring at the play of light in the bubbles, "we should name this stuff." He nudged Teyla and asked, "Does it have a name?"

Teyla seemed to be the only one unaffected by the drink. She sat straight and attentive, seeming amused by the game. "Not that I can remember," she answered. "The recipe has been passed down through generations."

"I say we call it Atlantean hooch," Rodney suggested loudly, his upper half supported by the table. Elizabeth was nearly draped over him, nuzzling her face into his shoulder. He didn't seem to mind.

"The booze of the gods," Ford offered, clumsily lunging for the bottle. John pulled it out of the way just in time, laughing helplessly.

"I vote for booze of the gods," John said. "Everyone for booze of the gods raise your hand!"

Everyone's hand shot up in the air, except for Rodney's, who was a bit miffed that "Atlantean hooch" wasn't chosen.

"Yes!" John shouted, pounding his fist down onto the table. "Booze of the gods it is!"

A ragged cheer rose from those assembled and John passed out shots in celebration. They were about to begin another round of "I never", when Carson spoke up.

"Er," he said, "I think Aiden's passed out."

Everyone turned to look at the Lieutenant. True enough, he was slumped forward on the table, snoring gently. Giggling uncharacteristically, John poked him. Nothing happened.

"Tickle him," Carson suggested gleefully. John obeyed, fingers scuttling down Aiden's ribs. Aiden twitched in his sleep, and muttered something about spiders.

Across the table, Rodney bit his fist to keep from laughing aloud. By now, Elizabeth was stroking his chest, her hand coming dangerously close to his left nipple. He felt a bit hysterical.

Suddenly Carson lit up. "I have an idea!" he said. "Elizabeth, do you have any makeup?"

"Hmm?" Elizabeth hummed, lifting her head from Rodney's shoulder and turning her glazed eyes on Carson. "Oh, yeah," she said, and dug some lipstick and eye shadow from her pocket.

Snickering, Carson took the makeup and walked (albeit a bit unsteadily) around the table to where John and Aiden sat.

"What are you doing?" John asked in a loud stage whisper. "Carson, what are you doing?"

"Shh," Carson said, shaking with suppressed laughter. He propped Aiden up in the chair and, uncapping the lipstick, carefully applied it to the Aiden's slightly-open mouth.

"Oh my god," John cackled, leaning back in his chair.

Carson then slid open the case of eye shadow, taking out the little brush and proceeding to do up Aiden's eyes in a tasteful shade of purple.

"Carson," Elizabeth slurred comfortably, "I'm going to hire you as my makeup artist, okay?"

"As long as you pay me, love," he smiled turning back at her,

"Hey," McKay looking away from Elizabeth to Carson Beckett, "only I get to call her love." She looked at him and giggled.

"Me too," she said, grinning a bit stupidly. "I get to call you love," she poked Rodney in the stomach.

When Carson finished, they all leaned in to view his work and promptly fell into fits of laughter.

"He's beautiful," John choked out, almost in tears.

Teyla was the only one not laughing. "I believe it's time to retire," she said.

Carson was the second least drunk and so he chimed in, "I suppose so, we have work to do tomorrow," he looked around the room. Ford was in drag, Elizabeth was well on her way to molesting Rodney (who really didn't seem to mind), Sheppard was gazing at Teyla with adoration, and Teyla was somewhat blushing at the Major's gaze.

"I'll take Ford back," Carson volunteered, and lifted the fallen Lieutenant from his chair. At the disturbance, Aiden opened his eyes.

"Hey," he said, grinning sleepily. "It's Carson."

"Yeah," Carson said. "Um... you're not going to be sick on me, are you?"

Aiden waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, I can hold m'liquor."

They wobbled to the door, weaving back and forth. "Hey, can I ask a question?" was heard faintly from Ford as they headed down the hall.

"Go ahead," Carson said, concentrating more on keeping Aiden up than answering questions.

"How many men have you kissed?"

After a pause, there was a surprised "mmph" noise followed by a slightly wet, soft noise. Then, breathing a bit harder, Carson said, "counting that, four." Suddenly the people in the conference room knew a bit more about Carson then they would have liked.

Teyla took charge of this situation, she stood up, "I will take Major Sheppard back to his room."

John looked at her suggestively "I'm up for that," he said swinging an arm around her waist, and whispering in her ear, "Call me John."

Teyla smiled slightly, and they walked out of the room.

Elizabeth looked at Rodney, "I guess that leaves us alone… together," she smiled at him and leaned in a bit, almost expectantly.

A war of thoughts waged violently in Rodney's head for a minute. Kiss her, and get everything you ever wanted, fulfill the fantasy you had every night. Then again, kiss her, have her remember it in the morning, and suffer awkward silence for the rest of your days. Sadly, he listened to reason and smiling he said, "I'll take you to your room."

"All right," she said, sounding disappointed. Rodney slung an arm around her waist for support, and she reciprocated. Like this, they slowly wobbled to Elizabeth's room.

On the table, what remained of "the booze of the gods" sparkled in an almost unnatural way. For another day.

END


End file.
